Spiderman 3: my review.

MINOR SPOILER WARNING. I'll try to avoid major spoilers, but I'm assuming you've seen the previews on TV or in front of another movie. We know Venom, Sandman and Harry Osborne are in this one. Get over it.

OK, I'm sure the 'net is inundated with Spiderman 3 reviews. And a pretty good take is over at Paxman's Blog, but I wanted to take issue with this particular review.

Specifically with his comment: "Topher Grace delivered a very believable performance."

He has not seen Spiderman 3. If he had, this statement would not have appeared in his blog.

I've seen the movie. I enjoyed it. Absolutely must add to my collection when it is released. Best Spiderman EVAR? Meh, I'm not sure I can decide that right now.

Too many Villians? I disagree. I really think they dodged a bullet here too. During the scene where Sandman is trying to coalesce into a man-like shape for the first time, my wife leans over and asks me "What are his super powers?"

"Pretty much that." He's a guy made of sand. Not a whole heap of plot attached to that one. I'm very glad they didn't try to develop one.

Though there were quite a few slow spots that could have better served the movie had they wound up on the cutting room floor. Well, pretty much every scene chronicling the dysfunctional, junior high maturity relationship that Pete and MJ have.

Paxman make some good points about communication, blah blah blah. He's frikkin Spiderman, there are no prior examples For MJ of how a romantic relationship should be with a superhuman boy. Life will be slightly different than if you were dating, say, the astronaut son of the EIC of the largest tabloid in NYC, or maybe even the President of the United States. I would have to say, dating a human spider hybrid is probably going to be a touch different than anything you've ever dealt with. And just in case you weren't following my line of reasoning, while getting fired from a schlocky second rate off Broadway musical is emotionally difficult, it's pretty lame in comparison to say, the destruction of NYC, or a pile of 400 grit doin' the old smash and grab at First National. MJ, if you were looking for someone who will empathize with your failure, and try to get you back on your feet, perhaps you should have stuck with Harry. Instead you chose YFNSM who has to save the planet from consumption by the fusion experiment of a raving lunatic. Slightly more pressing than whether you're feeling insecure about your career.

Before you get too critical, I know why they put it in there. Because those of us that grew up with Pete in comics and on the small screen are now married, or aspire to be. And the company of that beautiful woman is generally preferable to that of 8 other overweight sweaty comicbook nerds. So they write a script that will appeal to the better half, and we get dates! My point is simply that I don't remember MJ being that shallow and trite. Spiderman wants you to bear his children, who cares about Broadway?

Sorry, got a little man-crush going there.

But back to Topher Grace.

To review, Paxman wrote: "Topher Grace delivered a very believable performance."

Yeah, I haven't seen a performance that believeable since Keanu tried to recite Shakespeare in Much ado about Nothing. Surrounded by brilliance (Michael Keaton, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, Denzel Washington, Robert Sean Leonard, Kate Beckinsale) Keanu made me want to throw a brick through the TV and find an Icepick to scrape out the parts of my brain where that memory was located. The only convincing performance Keanu has is as Ted "Theodore" Logan in the Bill and Ted's movies. The brilliance of the Wachowski brothers is not in the crafting of a fascinating post-apocolyptic world where hackers walk a virtual earth stuck in the late 1990's, fighting for freedom of thought and escape from the Global UPS, but in writing a script that Keanu could deliver without looking like a drooling labrador. I own all three matrix movies and am amazed every time I watch them. Ted saved the world.

Someone should find the casting director for S3 and punch him in the face. Seriously. I was appalled by the terrible performance put forth by TG, to the point that I'm amazed it got past the censors. I expect performances like that from actors in George Lucas films. He couldn't pick an actor at the SAG awards. But in general, Spiderman movies are pretty good. And this is why I'm blaming Topher and not the director.

James Franco.

He delivered a universally flat, emotionless performance in the first two movies. If my high school director had seen something like that in one of his stage plays, he'd have thrown pencils at him. But he had a small part, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Yet, in S3 Franco pulled of a pretty good performance. He's not going to be taking home an Oscar for it. But I wasn't rolling my eyes after every line, and I actually found myself liking his oafish, happy "everything is great"character. The director seems to have done a great job playing to JF's lack of talent. And yet Topher couldn't tie his shoes convincingly in this one.

"But, he was supposed to be unstable, over the top" you might be thinking. And I would agree. I offer Jim Carey's Riddler, or Jack Nicholson's Jack Torrance. They were believably insane. I knew there was something wrong with them. Things were not going to go well. Not so with TG. His character was simply weird. In the church scene, he was not fervent, or off center, he wasn't even creepy, he was simply strained, forced, weak. There was nothing in his eyes, expressions, or manner that indicated sincerity. He was simply reciting his lines, and not well at that. Not only is Topher Grace not in the same league as either of these characters, but shouldn't be allowed in the same room.

I find myself searching around for that icepick hoping I get lucky and scrape the right parts of my memory the first time. I'd hate to lose Serenity or Band of Brothers.